Today is a nice day... =)

nanka... i have a good feeling about this day. ^-^ i hope all things will go well for me this week. i'm crossing my fingers for that. onegai desu... tenshi-chan o tasukete kudasai ne.

Nanka... i've been overly optimistic last night. ^-^

Jitsu wa... Atashi junto ni kowai ja. I really don't know if i can do anything in my own. Besides, i have been awfully doing a lot of mistakes at work. More like i have not been improving at all...Ah ha... seems like my resolve is wavering again..

Ya. That's not true. I just have to do what i can. Ne?

"Everything happens for a reason. If something happens to me... there just got to be a reason behind it." Ummm.... i haven't heard myself say this for quite some time now. Well, at least now i have... ^-^

Yoshii... nani ga attemo.

I'll just have to do it.... =)

Raphael-chan... please look after me... neh? arigatoo yo...
Aha ... why do i have to have my period this week. It's not fair... =c

Ne?!

Konnichi wa! Marn-chan desu. Nijuu isai. Manila shi kara, kimashita. Shigoto da.
Watakushi wa Nipponggo o benkyo shite imasu.
Ma ma... Kore sore. Atchikochi. Zenzen wakaranai...demo ne...
Watashi wa gambatte. Gambaru. Yoshii!!! 

Ah ha... I always say to myself that I should do my best... to have no regrets in every decisions and actions that I make and that... I should live my life on my own way...

But i really am not sure if im doing anything by my way... ^-^

I know i have been thinking like a complete moron these past few days...
I complained about a lot of things. I tried to avoid a lot feelings. And I've concentrated on my worthless worries and misery. In simplest term, I was stupid these past few days...

Complaining doesn't change anything. Running doesn't change anything.
Crying doesn't change anything... I thought i've always known that. I forgot...

But then...

I think i remember someone at work telling me to "bring my head" inside the conference room. It sounded like he was mocking me, like he was telling me that i am stupid. But now, it hit me... Maybe I, for some reasons, don't have my head with me these past few weeks.

I really should remember to thank him...

Maitta na...

I know... a few weeks ago, i was sure i would not want to pursue and i would not want the job that i have right now. But then again... you can never really tell. Yes. Now, for some reasons... i wish to stay... i want to have this job. and i want to be good in this job.

Honestly, i really am afraid. I've never really have enough confidence instore for me.
But what the hell...

Gambatte kudasai ne...

Damn it. Just do it!!!

Ge-chan no baka. Meteor shower ga doko ka? Nai... Matte yo. Demo... zenzen miru inai shi... Mo...

ok. so this blog is supposed to contain my darkest and brightest thoughts in life... hell, all i could think about right now are dark thoughts. so here goes one of them...

Honestly, i mean honestly.... when is it going to be my turn? Because you know, everyone seems to be having the time of their lives while on the other hand, I seem to have lost the chance of having my own time.

right, i know that i am not alone. there are a lot of people who feels the same way... but right now, this is just about the selfish me. since that's how it is going on for.

Im still stuck with the job that i am not sure if I really want for keeping - just that I couldn't leave it. Or maybe now, I don't want to leave it... for reasons that are again - selfish. I know that I may sound ridiculous but you know, it sucks big time when you don't seem to be doing anything right - like you're always the big bad girl who gets on life's nerves that is why you have the world not going even a little in your own little way. It's really shit man...

there are a lot of shit people out there. shit feelings. shit emotions. shit situations. i don't know what else to say.
i feel like a total shit. hell.

Staying or leaving... that is the question.

Should I stay or just leave? I know everyone must have asked this question to themselves. And the answer would not have come so easily.

Ok. Right now, I really don't feel like I am cut out for the job that I have. You know how it feels like when you see a dress that looks so beautiful on the display but when you try to wear it, it just wouldn't fit? Yeah I know, it sucks big time. 

Ok, I thought I could handle it, the actual job. And I thought I would have fun and would totally enjoy it. But hell NO. Yes, it's true that I have a lot of nice people in my group. They are so nice that I really would not want to get separated from them. But then the fact that I have to drag myself to work and would feel bad about having to go there and perform my job is really wearing me out big time. " I really don't want to do this. I am not cut out for this job. I really hate this. I can't do this.", is what I always tell to myself and I believe it so.

I went to work this morning, and I must say that I had a great time. I was so engrossed with my job that it did not bother me even if I did not get to eat lunch. Yesterday and today are important days for us. If we did not perform well in those two days, it would be a goodbye to you contract and work (at least that is true for me and a couple of my batchmates who had attendance and tardiness issues) scenario.

OK. Honestly speaking, I would be glad if I were to fail the assessment so that i will have a reason to leave the job I resented having. But then. the other part of me wants to pass the assessment (I mean, who would want to be a failure anyway, with everyone passing and just you getting left behind?) and still be with the people i have learned to like.Talk about human nature- the want to have both in their hands, huh?

Ah ha... I really am in deep shit right now. Well, lately... I am.

Now let me ask you... If you were in my situation.... What would you do?
Please put your answers in my comments page. Just click on the link "whites" below.

hello to ghe... missu already. hope we could have been together a little longer.

I had yet again another weird dream last night after days of not having any dreams that i could remember.
I cannot describe all that has happened but three were quite important.

There was this man who i know so well. He was in a church with me, on the middle of the aisle. We were talking ,and as usual like in the real world, he smiles and walks past me.
I checked on the meaning of being inside a church and here is what i found out:

And then there was this wedding. I don't know who were geting married. All i know is that there were bunch of bride's maid girls wearing pink dresses.I looked it up in the internet and here is what it says:

To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life.  Dreams involving weddings are often negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death.  Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence. 

Well, In real world:

I am confused. I am not sure if i want to pursue the career and grow in the field that i have put myself into.
Maybe i really feel fear and anxiety. I feel so sick and moving like a dead soul inside a human body. Maybe i really do need spiritual enlightenment and guidance.

And i really feel sad and lonely.

Will someone ever save me? The typical me would not want any saving. But right now, i don't feel like being typical.

Dream meanings were taken from dreammoods.com. KUDOS ^-^

Love your job but never fall inlove with your company because you never know when the company stops loving you.
                                                                  -Narayana Murthy

The stars are ready to hear all about your dearest romantic hopes and your fondest love-related wishes.
Are you ready to recognize them when they appear in dramatically different forms than you think?

That was the reading for Gemini yesterday...

I wish i had not read it since it is most unfortunate that i was sure that it was not for me. Ah ha... There hasn't been any progress with my so called life, well, love life if i may call it that. Damn.

I have written loads of unsent letters.
I have written loads of letters to my angel. Unanswered. Maybe it's telling me that i really don't have an angel... ugh.
I have wished a lot. Not even one came true.
I have prayed a lot. Unanswered.

Lately, everything has been unanswered. As far as i know.

Well, at least i did get a job. A job i am not sure i wanted for keeping.
And a life i am not sure if it's anything but worthwhile.

Hell yeah, i am so damned right now. Talk about unappreciation shit.

Everyone is getting married.

My aunt is getting married. May friend is getting married to her job. My other friends are getting married to their lives. Everyone is getting married to someone, something, or some situation. What about me? There's no someone or something or some situation for me. I wonder if there is really ever a reason for me to be here... Now, i'm getting worried.

Everyone is getting married.

OK. So i'm in deep shit right now... Lately, i am...

It always feel like, "I'm standing here when all i want is to be over there!!!" to me. Geez...

Am I making any sense here? Probably not.

Well anyway, my aunt is getting married on Sunday. I really wish her happiness and a good life.

Cheers!!!

what gift should i give to her? this post doesn't really make any sense... does it? how am i supposed to know? damn.